He once taught a German shepherd to bark in Spanish.
He never says something tastes like chicken – not even chicken.
He’s been known to cure narcolepsy, just by walking into a room.
He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels.
His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body.
Even his enemies list him as their emergency contact number.
He’s a lover, not a fighter, but he’s also a fighter, so don’t get any ideas.
When it is raining, it is because he is thinking of something sad.
His shirts never wrinkle.
He is left-handed. And right-handed.
If he were to mail a letter without postage, it would still get there.
He has amassed an incredibly large DVD library, and it is said that he never once alphabetized it.
You can see his charisma from space.
The police often question him, just because they find him interesting.
He once punched a magician. That’s right. You heard me.
If a monument were built in his honor, Mt. Rushmore would close… due to poor attendance.
His blood smells like cologne.
His organ donation card also lists his beard.
On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him.
He doesn’t believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders.
His reputation is expanding faster than the universe.
His cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him.
The pheromones he secretes have been known to affect people miles away, in a slight but measurable way.
His hands feel like rich brown suede.
He owns three sports cars and rents five.
He once taught a horse to read email for him.
He once brought in $13 million at a charity bachelor auction, which was a lot of money at the time.
Respected archaeologists fight over his discarded apple cores.
On multiple occasions, he has vouched for himself.
When he holds a woman's purse, he looks intimidating.
He can play Chopin on the drums.
His tailgate parties have caused game delays.
Eskimos have seven different words to describe his beard.
Even his nod sounds like a plan.
He once paralleled parked a train.
His two cents is worth $37 and change.
It has never been “his” bad.
He taught Chuck Norris martial arts
If he we're to punch you in the face, you'd have to fight off the urge to thank him.
Sharks have a week dedicated to him.
He once brought a knife to a gunfight, just to even the odds.
He is the life of parties he has never attended.
At museums he's allowed to touch the art.
His personality is so magnetic, he is unable to carry credit cards.
He once went to a psychic - to warn her.
Cuba imports cigars from him.
Once while sailing around the world, he discovered a short cut.
Panhandlers give him money.
Mosquitoes refuse to bite him purely out of respect.
He can kill two stones with one bird
If at first he does not succeed, then it is impossible.
He gave his father “the talk”.
He's trained a canary the art of falconry.
If opportunity knocks and he’s not home, opportunity waits.
He skips the first date
Therapists seek his advice
He once went to the psychic, to warn her
He once won a staring contest with his own reflection
His passport requires no photograph
When he drives a car off the lot, its price increases in value
Once a rattlesnake bit him, after 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died
His 5 de Mayo party starts on the 8th of March
Whatever side of the tracks he's currently on is the right side, even if he crosses the tracks he'll still be on the right side
He can speak Russian… in French
Superman has pajamas with his logo
His tears can cure cancer, too bad he never cries
The circus ran away to join him
Bear hugs are what he gives bears
When he meets the Pope, the Pope kisses his ring
His friends call him by his name, his enemies don't call him anything because they are all dead
He has never waited 15 minutes after finishing a meal before returning to the pool
If he were to visit the dark side of the moon, it wouldn't be dark
His signature won a Pulitzer
When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, he hears it
He once got pulled over for speeding, and the cop got the ticket
The dark is afraid of him
His ten gallon hat holds twenty gallons
No less than 25 Mexican folk songs have been written about his beard
He once made a weeping willow laugh
His business card simply says 'I'll Call You"
He bowls overhand
In museums, he is allowed to touch the art
He once won a fist fight, only using his beard
He once won the Tour-de-France, but was disqualified for riding a unicycle
A bird in his hand is worth three in the bush
His lovemaking has been detected by a seismograph
The Holy Grail is looking for him
Roses stop to smell him
He once started a fire using only dental floss and water
His sweat is the cure for the common cold
Bigfoot tries to get pictures of him
Werewolves are jealous of his beard
He once turned a vampire into a vegetarian
He once won the world series of poker using UNO cards
He never wears a watch because time is always on his side
He has taught old dogs a variety of new tricks
He has won the lifetime achievement award… twice
Batman watches Saturday morning cartoons about him
When he was young he once sent his parents to his room
He is fluent in all languages, including three that he only speaks
When he goes to Spain, he chases the bulls
His shadow has been on the 'best dressed' list twice
When he holds a lady's purse, he looks manly
Two countries went to war to dispute HIS nationality
When in Rome, they do as HE does
His pillow is cool on BOTH sides
The Nobel Academy was awarded a prize from HIM
While swimming off the coast of Australia, he once scratched the underbelly of the Great White with his right hand
Time waits on no one, but him
Once he ran a marathon because it was "on the way"
His mother has a tattoo that says "Son"
The star on his Christmas tree is tracked by NASA
Presidents take his birthday off
His recipe for deviled eggs involves actual witchcraft
He has never walked into a spider web
Even his tree houses have fully finished basements
His garden maze is responsible for more missing persons than the Bermuda triangle
If he were to say something costs an arm and a leg, it would
He’s never lost a game of chance
He was on a recent archaeological dig and came across prehistoric foot prints that lead out of Africa into all parts of the world. On close inspection, it turned out that the prints were his
He once caught the Loch Ness Monster….with a cane pole, but threw it back
His wallet is woven out of chupacabra leather
He played a game of Russian Roulette with a fully loaded magnum, and won
Freemasons strive to learn HIS secret handshake
If he was to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume
He is considered a national treasure in countries he’s never visited
Cars look both ways for him, before driving down a street
He once tried to acquire a cold just to see what it felt like, but it didn’t take
He has inside jokes with people he’s never met.
if he mispronounces your name you feel compelled to change it
Lifeguards feel safer when he is in the water
How do you like your burger? Cooked by him, that's how
If he fouls out, it's because he has better places to be
His belly-flops are elegant
He's the reason women are "into beards"
55% of ghosts don't believe he exists
and for his finale
He doesn't get replaced by a beer company...he replaces the beer company.
He is the most interesting man in the world.
...stay thirsty, my friends.
